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All we do is fade away

Jun. 25th, 2017 12:07 pm
gwyn: (8ball wizzicons)
[personal profile] gwyn
[personal profile] goss has created a cool new community for fan artists called Drawesome. If you're an artist or just interested, go check it out. I keep thinking about trying to learn to draw--I'm completely wihtout talent, I can't even draw stick figures, and I really don't know how to even go about it, but I'm surrounded by artists and they're always grousing at me that anyone can learn, you don't have to be born with talent. I don't believe this, but I still want to learn, at some point.

Drawesome on DW
[community profile] drawesome: A Drawing Community for Fan-Artists



___

I haven't been making this public much yet, but I feel like I have to, just so everyone knows what's going on. They found a cancerous tumor during the colonoscopy Thursday, so…yeah. Guess who has cancer. Did you guess me? You're correct!

It's weird, I've been expecting this for years, but not this one: I figured it'd be melanoma or the thing that killed my twin sister, ovarian cancer. This one is my ultimate nightmare--I'm phobic as hell about bodily functions, and there's so much awful stuff that results from colon cancer that I'm completely freaked out about.

I don't see the surgeon till Thursday so right now I don't know much. I had a CT scan yesterday to see if there's more cancer anywhere else and additional bloodwork, and then I had to put on my everything's normal face and go do a guest lecture at the UW. This one woman waited till I was saying thanks goodbye to pop up with a question, and to say she had resting bitch murderface is to put it mildly; I wouldn't be surprised if her whole family was axed to death and they're buried in her basement. And she asked this totally angry, pissed off question and I just didn't have spoons to answer so I was like a deer in the headlights.

Anyway, my biggest fear is that this means I can't go to Vividcon. Like, I care way less about my life, especially these days, and am totally willing to wait till after so I can go. I have a feeling they will not like this. But it's the one thing keeping me together. Not to mention very expensive nonrefundable tickets. The doctor kept stressing how early they'd found it and how good that was. But he also smiled when he said I might have cancer so who knows what's going on with him. Oh and also I got notice that the insurance I have through the ACA is going away next year--the only reason I was able to afford the colonoscopy was that this insurance was really good, and the only other decent one doesn't work with my doctor and clinic. So even if the fucking republicans take everything away in two years, I'm out for 2018 just when I need it most. (And they're such fucking liars, they blame this on market volatility and say it was such a hard decision…no, it's not, you just want more money lining your bonus pockets.)

I'm turning off comments, even though yes, I am really sad and depressed and feeling very lonely. My family's all gone, and most everyone lives far from me or useless (like, I love my BFF, but he's useless) so it's a lot to expect of people. It's been hard just doing day to day stuff like I'm fine. But I have a lot of this in my future so I have to get used to it. I hate the not knowing the most, though.

This week in writing, 6/25

Jun. 25th, 2017 06:23 pm
dira: Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier (Default)
[personal profile] dira
Not a particularly epic word count, but !!!!!

WIPs currently active: 4, because I finished Slavefic #5!!!

Words written this week: 7,711 

WIPs that got no words this week: 3 - broken dick epic, Born in the Blood, sequel to “Ring the Bell Backward", for the second week in a row. RELENTLESS FOCUS ON STUFF THAT NEEDS TO GET FINISHED. (But I am def gonna finish my RBB fic TODAY, so this coming week will involve blowing the dust off these and getting back to work and DEFINITELY NOT STARTING ANYTHING NEW YET UNLESS I REALLY REALLY WANT TO REALLY BADLY. ahem.)

WIPs that did get words this week:

Slavefic #5 (THE DRAMATIC REUNION): 3,267, and DONE!!! Just waiting for beta and propitious timing to post–should be all out by July 4th!!! :D

Dragon!Bucky/Tribute!Steve Cap Reverse Big Bang Story: 4,444, and FINISHING TODAY I MEAN IT! Posting date is June 30th!!!!

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Already Whole

Jun. 24th, 2017 11:43 am
ellie_nors: (Default)
[personal profile] ellie_nors
Life often feels like a struggle to be good enough -- better, worthy, whole. I'm trying something different, as part of an online community effort. Next week, I'm participating in a social media campaign in support of those of us who are claiming proudly that we are already whole, already worthy, already enough.

This doesn't mean that we are flawless or that we don't have any reasons to learn, change or grow. What it does mean is that who we are, you ard I, what we  feel and what we've experienced is real and valid and enough.

If it be your will, join me in this campaign, from 27th to 29th June: http://bit.ly/alreadywhole

you are already whole #wholeselfliberation

Chapter Update: Celluloid Hero

Jun. 23rd, 2017 09:37 pm
gwyn: (steve rogers shield)
[personal profile] gwyn
Celluloid Hero (29728 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 6/?
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Golden Age Hollywood Actors
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Steve Rogers, Bette Davis, John Garfield, USO Tour Dancers (Marvel), Original Characters, Barbara Stanwyck, Gene Tierney, William Powell, Cary Grant, Randolph Scott, Jack Warner, Delmer Daves, Ida Lupino, Hedy Lamarr
Additional Tags: Golden Age Hollywood, Hollywood Canteen, World War II, The Star-Making Machinery, Propaganda, someone's going to get his V-card punched, and by someone I mean Steve, Letters, Minor Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, First Motion Picture Unit, Pining Steve, Period Typical Everything
Summary:


The talk of the town last night was Captain America’s star-spangled appearance at the Hollywood Canteen, where the ladies swooned and the gentlemen cheered. Rumor has it he will be meeting with studio heads to discuss bringing his patriotic man with a plan to the silver screen.



Chapter 6 finally posted! In which Steve doesn't do well at his own premiere, learns how to play the Hollywood game, gets to know Ida Lupino and Hedy Lamarr, and receives a very important envelope.

I wroted a thing:

Jun. 22nd, 2017 04:26 pm
ellie_nors: (Default)
[personal profile] ellie_nors
Dirty Rotten Tricksters (24465 words) art by Justgot1, fic by ellie-nors
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Thor, Bruce Banner/James "Bucky" Barnes, James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Brock Rumlow, Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/OMCs (mentioned)
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Clint Barton, Raven (mythical being), Coyote (mythical being), Thor (Marvel), Bruce Banner, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Tony Stark, Brock Rumlow, Sarah Rogers, Peggy Carter, Jack Rollins
Additional Tags: Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Slut Shaming, internalized slut shaming, Underage Drinking, (for the USA), Recreational Drug Use, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Assault, Incitement To Sexual Assault, (no-one is actually sexually assaulted), graphic descriptions of violence in a dream, Mental Health Issues, Mildly Dubious Consent, Hospitalisation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Gay Bucky Barnes, Adopted Bucky Barnes, Russian Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes-centric, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, SJW Steve Rogers, Steve has a terrible sense of humour, Clint Is a Good Bro, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Brock Rumlow is an asshole in every universe, Road Trip, Folklore, native american folklore, Raven tales, Coyote tales, Spirit Intervention, bucky barnes needs to get laid, Bucky Barnes Gets Laid, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Gets a Hug
Series: Part 1 of Tricksters
Summary:

“The trickster’s function is to break taboos, create mischief, stir things up. In the end, the trickster gives people what they really want: some sort of freedom.”
Tom Robbins

Steve and Bucky are adopted by two trickster spirits. This is the tale of fun, angst, recovery, travel, and love that results when their paths cross on the campus of University of California Santa Cruz.

Vid beta?

Jun. 21st, 2017 06:00 pm
gwyn: (vids)
[personal profile] gwyn
Would anyone be interested in betaing a Star Wars vid? I have some tweaks to make but if everything goes well on the (ugh gross awful) colonoscopy tomorrow, I should be able to have a copy ready by tomorrow evening. The bad part is that it's due on Friday, so I kind of don't have a lot of time.

It's the original trilogy and Rogue One and The Force Awakens if that matters.
dira: Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier (Default)
[personal profile] dira
Iiiit's the Jemmie story! :D

It's Alright (To Be Little Bitty) (10217 words) by Dira Sudis
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: Age Play, Daddy Kink, sexual age play, Dissociation, Internalized Kink Shaming, Cuddling & Snuggling, Bedtime Stories, Hair Braiding, Light Feminization, Hurt/Comfort
Series: Part 2 of Little Bitty
Summary:

Bucky and Steve have a good morning; Jemmie and Daddy have a good night.

[[insert squinty eyed emoji here]]

Jun. 19th, 2017 03:38 pm
gwyn: (flashpoint asshat)
[personal profile] gwyn
You know, I'm well aware that I'm not the kind of fan writer that people go "oh, she posted a new story, I'm going to go read immediately." But having someone say they saved your story till they ran out of good fic is…just astoundingly tone-deaf, nasty, and demoralizing.

Thursday I'm having a dreaded medical procedure that I've been avoiding for years. Now that I'm officially an Old, my doctor's wanted me to have a colonoscopy, especially since my twin died of cancer, any kind of screening test is pretty important--and we don't know any other medical family history, since I'm adopted. I really, really hate bodily functions things. Like, I'm nearly phobic about talking about it, and I flap my hands and sing la-la-la really loudly whenever people talk about it. So I really, really do not want to do this, but since the fucking Republicans are determined to take away any health care I can have, and I earned so little the previous year that I qualified for a lower deductible, my doc and I decided to take ALL the tests this year. I just had a new MRI for my back (nothing useful, still nothing to be done that will really help), and now this, and there's some other things I'm hoping to do later on while I have the chance.

I have a bit more to write on the next chapter of Celluloid Hero and then should be able to send to beta and post, then I have to get started on the pod-together story, and meanwhile I'm desperately racing to finish this Star Wars vid for the Premieres show at Vividcon. Still have a little under half to go, it's taking forever and making me cry. Why can't I find a nice, horizontal hobby where I can lie down and not be in agonizing pain?
dira: Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier (Default)
[personal profile] dira
OH GOD I ACTUALLY FINISHED SLAVEFIC #5

It is a smidge over 49k and, uh, it is going to hurt. A lot.

I would apologize in advance but this is serious “time to own that actually you just like making your characters and readers suffer” territory. :D:

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This TWO weeks in writing, 6/18

Jun. 18th, 2017 03:20 pm
dira: Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier (Default)
[personal profile] dira
…I was traveling to visit family last Sunday and sort of forgot that Sunday was happening in the haze of spending several hours with my parents and then several hours discussing my parents with my brothers. Oops?

But now I am home again! And writing things! And talking about them on Tumblr!

WIPs currently active: 5, because I finished Little Bitty #2!!

Words written this week fortnight: 12,611, which was one really good week and one kinda meh week, so it balances out. :D

WIPs that got no words this week: 3 - broken dick epic, Born in the Blood, sequel to “Ring the Bell Backward”. Which is what happens when I frantically attempt to FINISH THINGS that are either v. close to finishing or HAVE ACTUAL DEADLINES OH GOD.

WIPs that did get words this week:

Little Bitty #2 (Jemmie): 1,628 and DONE!!! at just over 10k. And… will… definitely get betaed and posted! Someday! When I find a minute in between ALL THE OTHER THINGS.

Slavefic #5 (THE DRAMATIC REUNION): 7,344, and I am in the middle of the FINAL CHAPTER OH MAN I AM SO CLOSE TO FINISHING!!!! Also it’s just over 46k, so apparently it’s not, uh, going to be appreciably shorter than Sink Right to the Floor, which for a while I had thought it would be. Ahahaha why would anything ever be short, why would I even dream of that. /o\

Dragon!Bucky/Tribute!Steve Cap Reverse Big Bang Story: 3,639, and getting! really! close! to being! done! which is good because I post in less than two weeks!! :DDD:

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